Driving and . . .

Wednesday

I started off early this morning for my trip to Sedona, Arizona to visit my brother, Marv, and sister-in-law, Liberty. When I got to the Four Corners Monument, I had to stop. I had been there ages ago . . . when it was only the monument and it was free. Today, I had to pay three dollars, and surrounding the monument were little cubicles for Native Americans to sell their wares. There was one woman there today, and I bought a bracelet for two dollars. Such a deal!

Then, I continued down the road until I came to Tuba City. Tuba City is a town that I have always felt a connection to for some unknown reason. But, I haven't been there in maybe thirty or more years. Now, it is a small city and any connection I felt was gone. I stopped at a local "trading post" which had total touristy stuff for outrageous prices. I did buy a couple little things. As I left, I stopped again at a small Native American flea market at the side of the road. Who can resist? They had some horse stuff I wanted to look at, but I didn't buy anything.

The far outskirts of town, away from the newer city-area, looked more like the old Tuba city that I remembered and felt connected to. There was an old trading post there that I'll probably stop at on my way home.

Next, on to Sedona. I arrived before three o'clock, and we went on a small hike to a Tibetan stupa not far from their house. There was a statue of Tara there . . . I'm not too sure who she is, and there was a couple Buddha statues higher up on the hill. We circled them three times, as is custom. Clockwise. Then, we went up higher and there was a medicine wheel. Liberty and I circled it three times and then I honored the four directions.

Small town livin'

Monday: Tonight was my second ballroom dance lesson. This time there were a ton of people . . . about fourteen, but some were the teachers/helpers.

I recognized a couple people from last week . . . and one other guy looked familiar . . . and he was looking at me and nodding his head. Recognition! Yesterday's blog entry . . . when I mentioned a couple guys I had met from online dating . . . but, I wasn't really interested in them? This was one of them! His name is Dennis, but I couldn't remember it at the dance. He was a couple guys down from me . . . and I was grateful when we changed partners that the guys moved and not the girls. If it would have been the girls, I would have had him as a partner. As it worked out, there were so many people that we never did hook up.

The dance lessons themselves were great. I was a little more familiar with these because it was rumba and cha cha . . . which I had a little experience a couple years ago during the summer square dance lessons. Also, cha cha I learned, and loved, about forty-five years ago! So, I had a great time.

There is a mirror going along one side of the dance studio, and toward the end of class, I surreptitiously kept an eye on Dennis, so that I could avoid him if possible. But, he went to get his jacket early, and intercepted me! He remembered my name. He had supposedly gotten a teaching job about a hundred miles from here, but said he had to quit because of his headaches. There were a lot of red flags about Dennis when I met him, plus I never felt any connection to him. But, it's interesting having him in the dance class! Ah, the joys of small town living!

Tuesday:

I just dropped Moki off at the kennel. He could hardly wait to get out of the car and in there! That's how you know if it's a good kennel . . . he couldn't wait to go! Last time he stayed there, he had a little girlfriend. I don't know if she'll be back again (they do daycare, too), but I'm sure he'll find some friends.

Dancing tonight was awesome! Lots of new people again. I've had a different instructor each time, and it really helps because each instructor gives us different hints. And we switched partners many times today. This instructor says it's important for women to dance with many partners to get used to different ways of dancing . . . because all guys dance differently. Tonight was mostly a review of last night, and I needed that! These classes have been wonderful for me, and I'm enjoying them thoroughly!

I even got a hug tonight! These classes have been wonderful for me . . . just what the doctor ordered!

Coming home to an empty house was sad, though. I really miss Moki . . .

Great weekend!

Friday:

On my way driving to Durango this afternoon, I discovered something. When I get in the car, no matter where I'm going, I always "intend" safety. Today, as I intended safety, I also intended beauty (it's a gorgeous mountain drive to Durango), and happiness. That felt good, and I kept thinking about it and seeing the beauty all around me . . . which made me happy.

Then, I realized something else. I believe that we, as humans, create our own reality. I have believed this for years, but I thought about it differently until recently . . . the last couple years or so. If you drive drunk and get thrown in jail, you have created your own reality. That's how I used to look at it. But, it is so much more than that. Do you want happiness in your life? Then, think happy, grateful thoughts. The universe is like a mirror. If you feel happy, you will bring more happiness into your life. If you think bad, depressing thoughts, then you will bring more bad, depressing things into your life. Choose happiness . . . because it is a choice.

So, what came to my mind on my drive, was once again Phil . . . and why it happened, and why it didn't work. I had a long list of qualities that I was looking for in a man. And Phil, more or less, had most of them, almost all of them, in fact. So, in writing them down and reading them almost every day, I was telling the universe what I wanted in a man. BUT, I didn't tell the universe what I wanted to do with him when I got him!

So, I still have my list, but I have "qualified" it with this statement: Long term reciprocal romantic relationship. I think that covers all my bases. And, since I'm almost finished nursing my wounds, I am going to expect him to arrive in my life fairly soon. I like that idea!

And even after meeting Dee on the street the other day, and talking about the whole lesson thing, I was unsure if I had really learned the lesson. And then I realized that if I believe that I have learned the lesson, then it will be true. I've learned that lesson! From here on out, I'll be like a bull with any hint of red flag-i-ness! My lesson is learned! I DO NOT have to go through this crap again!

So, with those positive, uplifting thoughts, I finished my drive into Durango, did my errands, and got to square dancing in time for lessons. These lessons are for all the new people that we've invited into our club, and there are a ton of new people! For the first dance, I was in a square with two small children, and several other people who didn't have a clue. Usually, kids pick it up pretty quickly, but I think one little girl was just too young . . . because she just wasn't getting it. Then, mid-dance, someone asked me to step out so a new person could take my place. Gladly! It was totally painful being in there! So, I made an effort to sit in the other room for the rest of the lessons! It wasn't really bad of me to do that, though, because there were already too many women. Then, after the lessons, we started the regular square dancing, and I had a great time!

Saturday:

This morning I decided to clear my house using sage . . . I wanted to clear it of all the misery that I've put myself through this past month, and clear it of any last vestiges of Phil's energy. I really need to move on from that whole chapter of my life. Clearing the house with sage was in a way clearing myself. Most people put the sage into an abalone shell, but I don't have one, so I just used a plate. I lit it, (several times, actually, cause it kept going out), put it on the plate, and walked around the house swishing the smoke through the air, cleaning, clearing, clearing, cleaning out all the bad vibes in the house. I walked through every room . . . not that I have that many . . . it's a small house . . . but, I thoroughly and efficiently cleared my entire living space. And I breathed a sigh of relief. That part of my life is over. Time to move on.

Saturday evening, I drove into Durango again. They were having another one of those peace dances. When they hold it in Mancos, there are always a ton of people, and I expected even more in Durango. But, there were hardly any people there, which shocked me. Jennifer from square dancing was there. I think there were eight or nine or ten of us including the musicians, who sometimes danced.

I'm quoting from their email here, because it describes them best: "The dances of universal peace are simple, meditative, joyous, multi-cultural circle dances that use sacred phrases, chants, music and movements from the many spiritual traditions of the earth to touch the spiritual essence within ourselves and recognize it in others." Each dance is taught to us one step at a time and we are also taught the words . . . some in English, some in other languages.

Our first dance was Native American and the words had to do with the earth and the oneness of us all. The second dance was Hebrew and also had to do with oneness. The third dance had Christian origins, and we sang kyrie eleison. Then, another one that had to do with peace that we sang in Aramaic - - which is supposedly the language that Jesus spoke. We did several more that I can't remember and the last one had Mohammed in it, so it must have had Muslim origins. All in all, it was great!

Sunday:

Today, I drove over to Burt and Dell's house to go snowshoeing with the senior outdoors club. I know Burt from Cadence Therapeutic Riding . . . he's the vice president, and often comes to help with the horses and clients.

I had brought my heavy down coat, a scarf, warm mittens, and of course my snowshoes! When I got there, I walked outside and it was kind of warm . . . probably mid-thirties. All I had underneath my coat was a turtleneck and an old sweater, but it was going to have to do because I felt I would be much too warm with the heavy down coat . . . and all the exercise. I did bring my warm hat, and a pair of those cheap, knit gloves. I thought that would be enough.

There were about twelve of us, and we started out in the shade . . . so, I was kind of cold. The higher we got, though, the warmer the sun, plus it was good, vigorous exercise. It was supposed to be a beginner's snowshoe . . . about a two hundred foot elevation gain only . . . but, we kept going up and up and up. And the wind was blowing . . . I was a little chilly. I wondered how long we'd be out, and if I'd made a mistake leaving my warm coat behind. But, the sweater I wore was one that my mother had made me . . . it was probably about forty or fifty years old! Still warm, but starting to show signs of age . . . but, just starting at forty or fifty years old was pretty good! Whenever I started feeling cold, I remembered how much love my mother had put into it when she was knitting it for me . . . and I allowed myself to be warmed by her love. It was very effective, and kept me warm all day.

The day was absolutely gorgeous. It was a beautiful, Colorado winter day with high altitude incredibly blue sky and snow topped mountain peaks all around us. Awesome views in every direction.

We eventually came to a place and Dell, who was the leader, asked, "Should we turn around or keep going?" The general consensus was to keep going . . . so, I kept going! Up and up and farther up the trail . . . all of us slogging along on our snowshoes. I did fall down once, briefly, when I was talking to the person behind me and not paying attention to where I was stepping. There were holes in the trail from someone walking with just shoes . . . or something . . . not really sure why there were holes in the trail. Anyway, I tripped on one of them.

We finally reached the summit, and someone decided that instead of going back the way we came, which was a long, but gradual incline, that we should "bushwhack" our way down on the very steep hill. Bushwhacking is making a trail where there was no previous trail before. Every step of the way previous to this, we had been following a trail made by someone else.

The trail was steep and Dell said to go straight down instead of trying to side-step sideways. She said the snowshoes have a better chance of sticking that way. It was scary, but doable, and much quicker than the way we had come. Somehow, I kept passing people, and I ended up being one of the first ones back.

Inside Dell and Burt's warm house, we had hot chocolate and cookies. I haven't had sugar in awhile, and didn't intend on having any, but I was cold, and it seemed like a good idea at the time! Both the hot chocolate and the cookies tasted great! We all sat in the living room and talked for awhile. I was going to leave right after the snowshoe, but this was very nice, and I was glad that I decided to stay. Before I left, Roger, a single guy who was there, asked if I liked dancing. I told him about square dancing, but he meant the other kind. I told him I was taking lessons, but didn't know how yet. Then, I just kind of left.

As luck would have it, or whatever, I ended up leaving my snowshoes in the driveway. I didn't realize it till I was ten minutes down the road. I turned around, drove back, and picked them up. When I got home, there was a message for me from Roger, saying that I had left the snowshoes and would I please call him. So, I called him and he said he'd make me a deal: he'd go square dancing if I would go dancing with him. I said, yes, but I couldn't this week because I was going out of town. I'm not sure if he thought I was blowing him off or what, but he said something like . . . call me when you're ready.

Side note here: meeting this guy and having him immediately ask me to go dancing is a sign from the universe that I am on the right path with my ballroom dance lessons.

So, Roger is kind of attractive, has a nice voice, and the little I know about him seems nice. Although, I tried cyber-stalking him, and it's possible that he's seventy-two years old! I think that's just too old for me! I'll be sixty very soon.

Now that I have met a person "the old fashioned way," and am probably going to go on a date with him, I am faced with the interesting and peculiar differences of meeting someone online versus meeting them the old fashioned way.

I have "met" several men online in the past few years. I have only met three of them in person . . . one of them being Phil. The other two, I probably never would have met them in person, except for circumstances . . . they lived aways away and were passing through town or something. After emailing someone numerous times, I usually find that I really don't want to meet them. Sometimes, I need to talk on the phone to confirm that. Phil is really the only one who got through the email and phone stages. And by the time he did, I was pretty sure that I was going to REALLY like him when I met him . . . which I did.

With Roger, here I am about to go on a date with him (well, soon, anyway), and I know nothing about him including his age. I know some little things . . . he's known Dell quite a long time, he traps skunks instead of killing them, he used to have a friend with a boa constrictor, he has a hip replacement . . . but, really not much to go on. I have no idea if I'll like him or not.

I'm not sure which one is better . . . getting to know somebody fairly well before you actually meet them, or getting to know them slowly. Perhaps the swiftness that I got to know Phil was part of the reason I didn't see or acknowledge the red flags. It happened so fast that I was already "attached" when said red flags surfaced. I don't know. But, we'll see how this goes with Roger. I'll give him a call when I return this weekend. I'll keep you posted!

I do have to say this, though . . . whether this goes anywhere or not . . . whether I'm ultimately interested in him or not . . . having someone show some interest is a good balm for my wounds . . . which I think are healing rapidly. In fact, in the last couple days, I've been thinking about things that I did RIGHT during the time with Phil. Things that I could have made bad choices about, but I did the right thing. So, I think that's a step in the right direction, also. I'm getting there. Hopefully soon.

The most spectacular day and night!

Every morning I walk Moki along our street. It can be busy, especially first thing in the morning, and around quitting time. Whenever a car comes by, we stop, and I make Moki lie down. That was initially because he tried to chase every car that went by. I think he still would, too, if I didn't make him lie down. I also wave to everyone who goes by. You know, I'm that weird waving person!! Most people do wave back and smile.

This morning, a car started coming, so I made Moki lay down . . . and the car stopped. It was my friend, Dee . . . one of the women who used to go down to Farmington with me and give my friend, Kay, reiki. I haven't seen her in a couple months. She stopped going to Farmington because her husband was diagnosed with cancer and he was dying. So, I haven't seen her in over a couple months. I don't even know how she recognized me with my heavy winter coat on, and a winter hat covering most of my face.

So, we talked awhile and she told me about her husband and what she's going through, and I told her about the awesome time at Shiprock (because I had talked to her about Shiprock before), and then I told her the sad story about Phil. She said, "It's okay. Did you learn a lesson from it?"

Yes, yes, I did. I learned about how easily I'm willing to overlook red flags. And that bothers me. Will I do that again? Even as recent as a week ago when I received that first email from him . . . I actually thought about . . . well, if he changes his mind and explains the red flags away . . . maybe I can ignore the rest . . . That's awful! I can't believe I was *still* willing to do that! I'm hoping that being aware that I was willing to do that . . . I hope that serves as lesson enough. I DO NOT want to go through this kind of thing again. But, just Dee mentioning the whole lesson thing made me feel so much better.

But, it was a good exchange with her, and she said maybe we could have lunch some time. She also said that the other woman, Louanna, had been trying to get hold of me, and that I need to call her. The three of us did the reiki together, so maybe she wants me for that. Or maybe she wants to invite me back to the "intenders" circle that I went to once. I doubt if I'll go back to that, though.

And here's a quote that I found that made me feel tremendously better. I keep reading it over and over again!

Whenever something doesn't work out the way you thought it would, instead of thinking that something went wrong, see it as something that went unexpectedly well, but for reasons that are not yet apparent.

Everything plays to your favor.

Score!

I know what happened is a wonderful thing, and I can hardly wait to find out the reasons. But, I have a feeling the reasons are going to be awesome! Someone incredibly special is coming into my life . . . I can feel it!

There was going to be a free African dance and drumming ensemble at the college in Durango. It was first come, first served. It sounded absolutely awesome, and I wanted to be sure to get in. So, when it said "doors open at 6:30," I thought I'd get there at 6:00 just to be sure to get in. I wasn't even sure that would be early enough. But, I got there just before 6:00 and didn't see anyone there, but walked over to be sure. No one was there, and the lights were off. I was going to walk back to my car and sit awhile, but got distracted by something brown running by. A deer! Then another! Then another! They wandered over to some grass which had become green in the warmer temperatures of the last few days. I started walking slowly to get closer to them. And out of the corner of my eye, I saw another one wanting to cross past where I was. I walked across the street thinking that would be far enough away, but it didn't like me watching it. So, I did what I learned at the horse ranch for when you work with wild horses. I turned my back on it. Predators keep eye contact . . . so my watching it was threatening. Once I turned my back, the deer walked on by, followed by another and another. All together there were about seven mule deer. They were awesome!

Filled with joy over the wonderful experience, I watched them for several minutes before I heard my friend, Rosemary, call my name. We walked back to the theater and still there was no one there! Then, another woman came and was also surprised no one was there. Rosemary hadn't worn a warm jacket and it was pretty chilly out, so we decided to walk for awhile. We walked to the other side of the campus and were on our way back when the woman who was still at the theater walked by us and said it was at a different place. So, we had to walk clear back the other direction, and sure enough, there were people everywhere. There was still plenty of room inside, though, thankfully.

We got good seats and waited. Finally, it began. They had two large instruments in the middle of the stage . . . they were xylophones, made out of wood and gourds. The gourds had little white patches on them, and they explained that it had something to do with giant spiders and their babies and the sound that comes out of the gourds through the spider webs! Is that cool, or what! They had two people playing the xylophones and then a drummer in the middle. The music touched me so much, I just wanted to close my eyes and absorb it . . . but, then again, I didn't want to miss the visuals, which were also very cool. The decision was made for me: the dancers danced out onto the stage.

There were three women and one man, and they were all awesome! You could feel the joy of performance emanating from them . . . it was tangible. It wasn't possible to watch their dance without feeling the same joy. This particular dance was supposed to be for joy and healing . . . and I believe it.

The costumes were interesting. The men wore shorts for the first dance (the first dance was actually two men and two women) . . . that is shorts with some things hanging from the waist. On one guy, it sounded like bells. The women wore dresses that could have been square dancing dresses. The next dance, the women wore plain dresses . . . appropriate for school or office. The one guy wore these pants that had a low crotch . . . down to his knees . . . and wide material, so that he was capable of doing the splits without affecting the pants. And he did do the splits while jumping into the air!

Next, the guy came out dressed in a grass skirt. He did all kinds of movements, including a weird move . . . he was in the push-up position, on his hands and toes, and he jumped all around the stage. It was totally amazing. Then, the three women all came out dressed in grass skirts. They all took turns dancing alone, then all danced together. And all the time they were dancing, for this dance and all the dances before, in back of them, drums were beating and instruments playing. They did some cool vocalizations, too, that I couldn't even begin to describe. All in all, it was a spectacular event, and I can't believe it was free. All I can say is that if I would have paid fifty dollars to see these people, it would have been worth every cent. I was intrigued and entertained the whole time, and a huge smile never left my face. It was awesome!

As I drove to Durango tonight, I noticed that the moon was almost full. I looked it up a couple days ago, and I must have looked at the calendar wrong because I thought the full moon wasn't until next week. And since I like to start things when the moon is waxing, and the moon was almost full . . . it had to be tonight. What, you ask? Putting a personal ad on Craigslist . . . that's an online classified site. I "met" a guy on there last year, but I've never put up my own ad, and since I've been getting the feeling that I have to let "him come to me," I thought putting up my own personal ad would fit that. So, tonight, I *tried." I did everything right . . . got the secret code and entered it, saw what my ad would look like, and got the email verifying that it went up. So, I went to sleep.

The following morning, I looked to see if I had any responses . . . I didn't really expect any that quick . . . but, I checked. Nothing. Then, I clicked on the ad to see what it looked like on the actual site. NOTHING! It didn't go up! Everything looks right about it, and it says it's there, but it's not there! So . . . I decided that if the universe doesn't want the ad up there, I'm certainly not going to fight it. It must not be time yet . . . or at all. So, two weeks from now when the moon starts to wax again . . . and if I feel like it . . . then, perhaps I will try again. I thought this was pretty interesting, though. The angels are definitely looking out for me!!

Good bye Phil, hello life.

After I received the emails from Phil about the bad hair day and all . . . I decided to write back and address all the little things he had mentioned . . . as well as write about the bad hair day. Again, I was going to wait to mail it until Friday . . . the one month mark . . . or until he wrote again, which I was fairly certain he would. But, the emails were gnawing at me, and I heard a whispering in my ear, "Send them, send them." I ignored the whisperings at first, but finally decided that it was the right thing to do.

I did have a lot of second thoughts about sending these emails at all. This quote got me to thinking:

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."

~ ~ Wayne Dyer

At one point I thought to myself: karma be damned! I'm going to send them!

But, I couldn't do that, so I decided to give it the "heart test." You put your hand on your heart and close you eyes, and then you think of the thing . . . whatever it is . . . in this case it was sending the emails . . . and then you think of the opposite thing . . . like not sending the emails. And you see which one feels better. Usually, it's pretty obvious. In this case, sending them felt good. And I didn't think my heart would tell me to do something that was based purely on vengeance. Phil is an introspective guy. I thought he would benefit from my thinking that he was deceptive. He considers himself a really honorable guy. He needs to know the truth. Maybe this was even part of the whole deal with him . . . he needed someone to tell him this stuff, and I was to be the one. Who knows?

Shortly after we met, he was sitting at my kitchen table, and I told him that I'm the person that tells people things that no one else will tell them. It's true. Sometimes it can be cruel, sometimes kind, sometimes both. People often don't want to hear it. Because sometimes, once you hear it, then you have to do something about it . . . and many people don't want to change. Where they're at may be bad, but they're used to it, and the unknown is scary. So, my being that person . . . is sometimes a gift and sometimes a curse.

Anyway, the whisperings told me to send the emails and not wait till Friday, so I did.

I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if he would ignore it, or send me back and say all kinds of bad things about me . . . although, I don't what that could have been! Or give me excuses or defend his misrepresenting himself. The first email that I sent was kind of an introductory thing kind of saying what was coming. But, in it, I said something about getting the emails and him out of my life.

Several hours later, I did get a response. It was a relief on many levels. All it said was that he had received the emails and good bye. Finally! I don't have to think about getting any more emails from him! I didn't realize how much that was weighing on me! Whew! Finished! I still have some healing to do, but this helped me tremendously! Thank you! Well, Phil, I'm not ready to say you're a good guy yet, but you're nicer than I thought!

With that behind me, last night I went for my first ballroom dancing lesson. That is, my first ballroom dancing lesson in about forty-five years! Although, I did do a few "round dancing" lessons with my square dance group a couple years ago. But, anything I learned there is waaay gone now.

The main instructor had some back problems, so she had three other instructors (two women and one man) helping her out tonight. There wouldn't have been too many people there if not for the instructors. But, whatever. I did have to dance with a woman several times, but I got to dance with the man instructor, too, several times. And he was an attractive older gentleman, too! It's so hard to tell how old men are, though! Is he too old? I don't know.

Anyway, I had a great time, learned a few steps, got some nice words of encouragement, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I could go to another beginner's class on Tuesday evening, but I have something even more special planned!

I decided to start taking dance lessons because I feel like I need to get out more into the world. I think it will be good for me, and as long as I keep enjoying it, I'll keep going. They also have "dance parties," I think every Friday night. I won't go until I know a little more, but they are a definite possibility. Why not! Plus it will give me more opportunities to go even more places. I know I have square dancing on Friday nights, but that's in Durango . . . and if the roads are icy, I refuse to drive there. But, driving to Cortez is completely different . . . it's all flat. There are no mountains between me and Cortez, so I can drive there when I can't drive to Durango. So, that is awesome, too! Life is good!

Trust, good men, angels, and square dancing

I'm reading The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho right now. I just read this line: "I had forgotten the most elementary rules of self-protection and had thrown myself body and soul into the arms of the first stranger I had met." It made me think that perhaps that's what I did with Phil. Except I thought he was someone that I knew. But, what was presented to me was not the true him. He was deceptive in many ways . . . some I should have seen . . . others I couldn't have known. I trusted. And I can't say that that's a mistake. Because when I think about it, I know I would rather be the person who trusts than the person who doesn't.

When I speak of my ex-husband, Don, . . . and this is true ever since we split up . . . not something discovered later . . . but, when I speak of him, I always say what a good man he is. He's a good man, but not good for me. Can I say that about Phil? I don't think so. He seemed like a good man . . . a retired teacher, brilliant, seemingly compassionate toward others . . . but, in the end, when the real truth came out, I don't think he was or is a good man. This could just be me . . . the scorned woman's attitude . . . and I will revisit this thought in a month or two to see if my attitude toward him has softened. I don't think so, though.

I have discovered a new passion: watching old re-runs on the computer of Touched by an Angel. I know being passionate about a tv show sounds mundane and silly, but I need this now, and I'm not going to make excuses for it. I cry almost every time . . . and right now . . . I think I need to cry. I've had a hard time crying in the last many years, and I think I need to relearn how to cry. Crying is like washing the soul, and right now, I think my soul could use a little washing. It is such an incredibly great show that I can't believe I never watched it before. And I have no idea how it came into my life now. But, I'm glad it did. It comforts me and makes me feel good. There are angels out there who take care of us. I believe that.

Tonight I went square dancing. It was a special night . . . they call it "Meet and Greet." It's a potluck dinner and we've invited all kinds of people who might be interested in learning square dancing and joining our club. I went late so I could skip the whole dinner thing. I can't eat that . . . I'm on a fairly restrictive vegetarian diet now . . . so, instead of sitting there and eating nothing, I skipped that part.

There were a ton of new people there, including the older guy that I had coffee with a week ago . . . he also showed up at the Durango "Meet and Greet" last week. Anyway, after the dinner, Richard, our square dance caller, started the music and everyone got a partner and started to dance. Richard starts out with really basic calls . . . "alaman left," which is grabbing your "corner's" hand with your left hand and making a circle . . . "doce doe," which is walking in front of your partner and then behind them and back again . . . and more calls like that. I think for each lesson Richard introduces five new calls. Anyway, it was fun, but I left early. I had had enough for now.

Letters from Phil

I knew it was coming. I knew he wouldn't leave it alone. He likes to keep everyone as friends . . . a position that I never thought I'd be in. So, his email today said that when he did his end-of-the-year gratitude list that I was on it.

It was only one more week till I was going to send that email that I wrote . . . so, I decided that since he wrote now, I'd just send mine now . . . that was the email asking what was the "considering" that made him break it off. So, first he sends me this email with a lot of little things that didn't amount to much . . . some perhaps relevant, some B.S. Mostly it was stuff that had been bothering him that he wasn't communicative enough to talk about . . . not my fault. He was a good communicator, too, so that was a surprise. But, nothing in it worthy of causing a break up.

Then, he sent another email that basically said he was going through a lot of stress around Christmas . . . thinking about driving back to see his family and all . . . nothing to do with me . . . and he was totally stressed out and he was going through "angst" (his word) . . . You better sit down, here, friends, or you'll fall over laughing . . . the bottom line being that he broke up with me because he was having a bad hair day . . . well, perhaps more than that, but that's what it amounted to. So, he turned my life upside down because he was having a bad hair day. There is just something entirely poetic about that! It gives me clarity and relief and . . . you know, laughter. And . . . I'm feeling . . . free.

I'm not sure I'm ready to sign back up with eHarmony . . . but, a lot closer than I was before this ridiculous exchange. I so rest in the knowing that this was all meant to be . . . meeting him, falling for him, and having it end like this. It was so meant to be "for the development of my being." I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm great with that. And it makes me laugh . . . I mean . . . a bad hair day! . . . does the universe have a great sense of humor, or what!?!?

Skiing and Revelations

Before I begin with my cool day today, I wanted to talk about my revelations . . . about my break-up. Today, a friend and I talked about after you lose your husband, through divorce or death, how you are kind of totally consumed by the next relationship you are in after that. I honestly didn't think that would happen to me because it's been so long since my divorce . . . three years. But, perhaps, it happened even MORE because it was three years.

And that ties right into the next thing I want to talk about . . . red flags. Since this thing ended, I have been very down on myself for not seeing the red flags. In hindsight they are so clear! Why didn't I see them?!?! Because after three years . . . and no men in my life . . . and meeting men through internet dating who weren't even close to who I was looking for . . . and then, finally, success! A man I totally connected to! I was probably half in love with him after our five hour phone conversation . . . I remember getting off the phone and saying to myself . . . I could fall for this guy. Anyway, I was so delighted and enchanted and overwhelmingly excited over finally finding this kind of connection . . . that I totally gave my heart . . . there were no red flags. I didn't want to see any red flags. So, now, after some time, I finally forgive myself for this. It was okay. It was meant to be. Now, let it go.

I'm hoping this is my last entry on this subject! Time to move on!

Now, let's talk about skiing! Cross-country skiing to be exact. I'm in the Durango Senior Outdoors club, and they somehow got free cross-country ski lessons! It was only $10 to rent the equipment. There were two groups of us . . . nine in each group . . . advanced and beginner. I was a waaaay beginner. Several people in the beginning group were competent downhill skiers, including my friend, Rosemary, who I went with. So, they kind of had an edge on the rest of us newbies. I hadn't had a pair of skis on in about forty some years.

When they gave me my skis, I had to sign a document that they aren't responsible, etc etc. Well, it also said on there that the skis didn't release . . . I knew that in downhill skiing, it's very important to have skis that release so you don't break your leg. I didn't know about cross-country, so that scared me. Although, in the beginning talk they gave before the lessons, they said that since your heel is free (not attached to the ski) that it really isn't an issue. Well, hopefully!

Before we started on the actual beginning of the lesson, I "intended" safety. But, I really didn't want to fall down . . . regardless of getting hurt or not, I didn't want to fall. So she showed us what to do, and then we proceeded down the flat trail trying to do it. Some people . . . the downhill ski people . . . were way down the trail. And then there were some that were way behind. I kept mostly to the middle. We went back and forth down the trail, but I never really felt competent . . . or, in control.

Then, she said it was time to try some hills . . . uphill and down. The downhill was this dinky little hill that was so small that you eventually stopped by yourself without having to do anything. But, still, it was scary. I did it and didn't fall. Then, we had to go up a steeper hill, and then back down again. This one was REALLY scary.

It honestly wasn't that bad, but it felt that bad. It reminded me of another time in my life . . . I was about twenty or twenty-one. Two of my brothers, my first husband, and I decided that we wanted to try hang gliding. We got there late and missed the "ground school," but for some reason they decided to let us try it anyway. I took about five or ten minutes to hook you all up to the harness and the hang glider. Then, you're standing on this hill, and it's a long way down, and they say, "Are you ready?" And there's no damn way your ready and you're scared to death, but they just took all this time to hook you up cause you said you wanted to do it . . . so, even though you're really not ready, you have to say, "Yes." And I did, and I did better than all three of the guys! I even had a good landing. It was awesome.

So, this hill wasn't quite as tall, and the consequences weren't quite as scary, but, it's almost forty years later . . . so, I was still pretty scared. I can't remember if this was the time or not, but I ended up falling down. No harm done. I landed on my butt, and felt a muscle in my back pull. But, I managed to get up again without help. And back up the hill again.

Next time, we had to do something else, and since I had some forethought, I didn't go as high up the hill as everyone else (I'm not an idiot!), so, I'm on the closest to the downhill side. When the teacher said, "go on," nobody volunteered. So, my friend, Rosemary, says, "Jerri, it's up to you."

This is why I have I posted the picture at the top. It's me at about twenty-five with my pet boa constrictor. Why is it easier for me to consider holding a poisonous cobra than going down this little, chintzy hill? But, I did went down the hill again, and survived! I only fell once the whole morning. I never did feel in control though, and I like feeling in control . . . at least, of myself. So, the answer is, no, I will not be doing this again. It was a good experience, and I had been wanting to try it . . . but, no, not for me. Snowshoeing is more my style. Snowshoeing and holding cobras . . . you know, something safe.

Days in Reflection

Friday, I didn't have a great day. I think part of it is because I didn't get enough sleep the night before, and part of it is because I made the *stupid* choice of reading Phil's old emails. Why I did that, I don't know . . . I'd been doing so well.

Then, a friend gave some guy my number because I know how to publish books on Amazon. So, this guy wanted to meet at the bakery in town. I parked my car . . . right behind a car from Louisiana . . . Phil's from Louisiana (but he drives a truck) . . . and the car had an LSU sticker on it! Phil used to teach at LSU! So . . . that didn't bode well.

The guy . . . an older guy (that's older, as in older than me . . . !) . . . was interesting. He had written a book based on his many years as a ranger with the forest service. It's not edited yet, so he still has a long way to go.

Later, I drove to Durango for my square dancing. It was newbie night . . . a chili dinner where we try to entice new people to join the club. Maybe part of the reason that I had a bad day was that I was not looking forward to telling people that the jerk had broken up with me. I had been so excited when I told them that I had met someone . . . now, not too many weeks later . . . I have to tell . . . the rest of the story. Oh, well.

When I told Jim, who I consider my personal shaman, that Phil dumped me, Jim said, "No! Don't say that! He dumped himself!" I really like that take on it. Jim and his wife, Gayle, are good friends.

The next few days have been okay, but I kind of lost my energy. Then, I decided that I needed to write Phil one last email. When he dumped me, he said something like . . . "considering, I think we should break it off." At the time, I was too floored to ask what he was considering, but I've realized that I'd like to know. It may be a good idea to do and it may not. But, I've written the email and I will mail it at the one month mark . . . which is still about a week and a half away. Maybe in the next week, I'll change my mind about mailing. Maybe not. Right now, I'm kind of looking at it like it will be closure for me. Who knows? When the time comes, I will follow my heart.

Today, Tuesday, I feel like I'm getting my energy back. I'm cleaning house again, cleaning up old things, and getting things done that need getting done. Writing about this bothers me somewhat, but I need to get it out of my system. And . . . I need to stop thinking about it. So, there ya have it. I've been keeping a journal lately, too . . . called "Perspectives on Breaking Up."

Oh, here's something cool. Most of you know my obsession with the poleshift . . . the thing that is supposed to happen to the earth between now and the end of 2012. I'm on an email list from a guy who is a geology expert and an Edgar Cayce expert (the psychic from the early twentieth century.) Anyway, yesterday I got this great email from him titled something about earthquake experience. Earthquakes are prime fodder for poleshift stuff . . . but, this email was more about *experience.*

Here is a selected part of the email: "For the moment, in regard to our attitude to life in general, it is much the best to think that the experiences we have are necessary for us. Otherwise, we will be continually making accounts and complaining that things are not fair. Taking up this point of view about our experiences gives more meaning to ourselves. This is the only way to get something from every experience. We must be awake to the conscious view that the experience belongs to us because our being needs it in order to develop. We see then that the material for our development lies in our experiences."

I find this incredibly interesting and uplifting. This helps me. If there was a reason for this to happen to me . . . it makes it that much easier to accept. The other really interesting thing is that . . . well, I already knew this. Christmas eve night . . . after receiving that break-up email from him . . . I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. So, I put on kind of a visualization CD that includes words of wisdom . . . like the person is walking down a trail and someone ahead of him says . . . follow your heart. Stuff like that. Well, I did end up falling asleep with it still playing. Then, abruptly, I woke up to this line: There are no accidents. I knew I needed to hear that . . . and I've received other "messages" like that since. There are no accidents . . . I needed to go through this for whatever reason. Knowing that really helps. It wasn't just pain out of nowhere . . . it was pain for a reason! That kind of makes me laugh! Anyway, it makes the whole thing easier to take. Whatever!

I still don't know why. I'm hoping it has something to do with preparing me for the next great love of my life. The relationship with Phil, if you can call it that, has helped me clarify what I DON'T want. So . . . we'll see what happens.

Ok, here is a teaser . . . a foreshadowing. I recently signed up for something . . . a horse thing . . . that I don't think I ever would have signed up for if it hadn't been for Phil . . . or the break-up with Phil. I don't think I would have . . . but, who knows. Anyway, I'll tell you more about it as it gets closer.

***Now it's Thursday, and I had a great day! More on that later . . . I just wanted to end this on an uplifting note!

:)

January 5, 2011 Jailhouse visit

She's . . . baaaaack!

This morning I drove to Durango to meet the Senior Outdoors group to go for their Wednesday walk. I was active with that group a couple years ago, but somehow got away from it. It was time to return.

It was very cold outside . . . my car thermometer said fourteen degrees, but everyone said that when they drove by the banks in town, their thermometers said six or eight degrees! I chose to believe fourteen . . . it made me feel warmer!

I had multiple layers on, and once we began walking and talking, I really didn't feel too cold at all. It was about a four or five mile walk, and on the way back, I was almost getting warm. I didn't take off any layers, though!

After the walk, most of us on the walk met for lunch, which was very nice. And then, after lunch I had a bunch of errands to do. And, as I was doing them, I was feeling so incredibly good and had this huge grin on my face . . . I realized that . . . I'm baaaack!

You know the whole deal with a glass half full person or a glass half empty person? Well, I consider myself a glass half full person, but the real truth is that most of the time my glass is totally running over with joy.

Finally, I'm back there. I'm not saying I'm over "Phil" . . . I'm not saying I'm "cured," but I'm a whole lot closer than I've been these last two weeks. And I'm feeling great. And I'm ready to move on. And I have absolute knowingness in my heart that the right man is on his way . . . the man who is absolutely perfect for me . . . and no red flags involved!

I'm not going to blame Phil for breaking my heart. I gave my heart freely. And it was my choice to ignore said red flags. If he was deceptive at all . . . it was only in a vague way . . . and in a way that I certainly should have recognized. This heartbreak was totally my doing, and I take full responsibility for it.

Here's a quote . . . I think by Robert Anthony: When you blame others, you give up your power to change.

The change I intend to make is not to have blinders on, and to acknowledge and be aware of any red flags that come my way. That's all.

Here's something interesting that should have been a red flag for me . . . Most of you know that I totally and completely believe in reincarnation. We're here on earth - - in a physical existence - - to learn lessons. With each successive lifetime we live, we learn more lessons and hopefully get closer to oneness with God/Goddess/All There Is. So, when I met Don, (former husband), I asked him what periods of history he was drawn to. This is my test to see if I've shared former lives with anyone. He and I had many . . . seven or eight if I remember correctly. When I asked Phil . . . we had NOT ONE shared period of history! That doesn't necessarily mean we didn't have any . . . but, it definitely should have been a red flag for me!

Back to my day in Durango:

After I finished my errands, I had one more thing to do. An appointment. I had to call to make the appointment a day before . . . yesterday. My appointment was at 2:00. At the local jail.

My good friend, Ken, is in jail for three months for drunk driving. He actually stopped drinking over a year ago, but the court system being what it is . . . he is only now going to jail. So, they told me on the phone that the only thing I can have on me is my keys and my driver's license . . . which I needed to even get in there to see him.

After I parked, I took everything out of my pockets . . . including doggy poop bags (empty of course!), loaded it into my coat, and left my coat in the car. Having never been to jail before . . . on either side of the bars . . . I had no idea what to expect. I was only following directions. I wondered if we would be in the same room (reason to not have anything in my pockets?) or behind one of those window things where you pick up the phone and talk, but the person is right in front of you, or . . . ? I had absolutely no idea.

I forgot my drivers license and had to go back to the car, and then went to the wrong building, and by the time I got there, it was about seven minutes before 2:00. I was supposed to be there ten minutes early. Bureaucracy being what it is . . . I didn't know if they would allow me to continue or not.

I walk into the building and have to use one of those phone to get someone. The person that answers was behind glass, and they had one of those drawer things like at a bank. I had to put my driver's license in the drawer. He took at it, looked at it, and walked away. My guess is that he made a copy of it. He came back a few minutes later and told me to go to station six.

I walked into the next room and found station six. It was a narrow cubicle with a chair, and a video screen with a camera above it, and a telephone. A few minutes later, Ken came on the screen - - in a black and white jail suit! We both picked up our respective telephones.

He was surprised to see me. They hadn't told him I was coming to see him . . . until they went to get him to talk to me. He'd only been in since January 1st, but I told him that I came so soon because I thought it might have been a more difficult transition than he expected. But, good ole Ken has a great attitude. He said he's spent a lot of time thinking . . . planning for the future . . . he has meditated, exercised, and mostly kept busy. I don't think he said one negative thing about being in jail. We talked a lot about horses, and laughed a lot. There were a couple other people in the room with me . . . talking on other stations . . . and I don't think there was much laughter going on. The jailers probably listened to every word we said because it must have been pretty unusual for them, too. Anyway, it was a nice conversation and at thirty minutes, the screen goes blank. I'll probably go back to see him in a couple weeks.

One interesting thing about Ken . . . I had talked to him a couple weeks ago and told him that I had met someone. Then, I told him about AA . . . alcoholics anonymous. Phil is/was an alcoholic . . . dry ten years . . . and swore by AA. So, since Ken had gotten two drunk driving arrests, I thought I'd share what Phil had told me about AA. Ken completely disregarded it. He told me that he thought that a lot of alcoholics trade alcohol for AA . . . just another addiction . . . a light came on . . . it should have been a red light . . . or red flag . . . Phil goes to AA meetings five or six times a week! It was EXACTLY like Ken said. Anyway, that is interesting in retrospect!!

And the really good news of the day is that my book, Unicorn Whisperer, is now available on Kindle . . . that electronic book reading device! I'm totally jazzed about that!! Wow!

Happy New Year 2011!

Normally, I'm not a new years person. I mean, so what? Plus, you know, I'm not really a party girl, so who cares. But, considering my recent heartbreak, I decided that at this emotionally charged holiday, I really needed to be around people who I know care about me. So, I decided to drive down to Farmington . . . about an hour and a quarter away. Unfortunately, although I took the back way that has no mountain passes, it was still a very icy slippery path. So, it didn't exactly take me an hour and a quarter . . . I drove about forty miles an hour most of the way, so it took me much longer. And much of that was behind another car . . . and I wasn't going to pass on this slippery roads. About halfway there, the road cleared and I was able to drive faster. UNTIL, it started blowing snow and then I had to really slow down. I tried to keep close enough to the car in front of me so that I could see his tail lights . . . it was difficult to see where the road was! But, I got there safely, checked into a nice motel . . . with Moki . . . and we watched TV for awhile before I had to leave. TV is a novelty, because I don't have one at home!

I got to the square dance place and knew almost everyone there . . . so, lots of hugs . . . especially because I've never been dancing in Farmington before, so they didn't expect to see me. It was a potluck dinner, and that was nice, and then we got right into the dancing. I danced almost every dance, so it was great. When I wasn't dancing, I was talking to people that I knew. I also gave out a bunch of copies of my new book. If YOU want one, let me know . . . email me your address. Anyway, had a great time, and we even got hats and plastic leis for new years! A lei was very appropriate . . . since it was snowing and about six degrees outside! Very cool . . . as in COOL! I also won a prize . . . well, everyone did . . . and I was the last person to win! I guess I wasn't in the right vibration place to receive one of the earlier prizes!

I drove back to the motel, and after checking my email (!) and relaxing awhile, I went to sleep. Moki woke me up early . . . I had the motel's free breakfast . . . and we were on our way home.

The road home was a little better, but still mostly slow going. It was good to get home, safe and sound.

And now, a week after I got officially dumped, I'm doing better. Last night made a difference for me . . . it was a good choice for me to go. I'm not cured . . . I'm not "over it," but I'm doing better . . . sometimes very good. Sometimes down. But, mostly good, and that makes me happy.