Before I begin with my cool day today, I wanted to talk about my revelations . . . about my break-up. Today, a friend and I talked about after you lose your husband, through divorce or death, how you are kind of totally consumed by the next relationship you are in after that. I honestly didn't think that would happen to me because it's been so long since my divorce . . . three years. But, perhaps, it happened even MORE because it was three years.
And that ties right into the next thing I want to talk about . . . red flags. Since this thing ended, I have been very down on myself for not seeing the red flags. In hindsight they are so clear! Why didn't I see them?!?! Because after three years . . . and no men in my life . . . and meeting men through internet dating who weren't even close to who I was looking for . . . and then, finally, success! A man I totally connected to! I was probably half in love with him after our five hour phone conversation . . . I remember getting off the phone and saying to myself . . . I could fall for this guy. Anyway, I was so delighted and enchanted and overwhelmingly excited over finally finding this kind of connection . . . that I totally gave my heart . . . there were no red flags. I didn't want to see any red flags. So, now, after some time, I finally forgive myself for this. It was okay. It was meant to be. Now, let it go.
I'm hoping this is my last entry on this subject! Time to move on!
Now, let's talk about skiing! Cross-country skiing to be exact. I'm in the Durango Senior Outdoors club, and they somehow got free cross-country ski lessons! It was only $10 to rent the equipment. There were two groups of us . . . nine in each group . . . advanced and beginner. I was a waaaay beginner. Several people in the beginning group were competent downhill skiers, including my friend, Rosemary, who I went with. So, they kind of had an edge on the rest of us newbies. I hadn't had a pair of skis on in about forty some years.
When they gave me my skis, I had to sign a document that they aren't responsible, etc etc. Well, it also said on there that the skis didn't release . . . I knew that in downhill skiing, it's very important to have skis that release so you don't break your leg. I didn't know about cross-country, so that scared me. Although, in the beginning talk they gave before the lessons, they said that since your heel is free (not attached to the ski) that it really isn't an issue. Well, hopefully!
Before we started on the actual beginning of the lesson, I "intended" safety. But, I really didn't want to fall down . . . regardless of getting hurt or not, I didn't want to fall. So she showed us what to do, and then we proceeded down the flat trail trying to do it. Some people . . . the downhill ski people . . . were way down the trail. And then there were some that were way behind. I kept mostly to the middle. We went back and forth down the trail, but I never really felt competent . . . or, in control.
Then, she said it was time to try some hills . . . uphill and down. The downhill was this dinky little hill that was so small that you eventually stopped by yourself without having to do anything. But, still, it was scary. I did it and didn't fall. Then, we had to go up a steeper hill, and then back down again. This one was REALLY scary.
It honestly wasn't that bad, but it felt that bad. It reminded me of another time in my life . . . I was about twenty or twenty-one. Two of my brothers, my first husband, and I decided that we wanted to try hang gliding. We got there late and missed the "ground school," but for some reason they decided to let us try it anyway. I took about five or ten minutes to hook you all up to the harness and the hang glider. Then, you're standing on this hill, and it's a long way down, and they say, "Are you ready?" And there's no damn way your ready and you're scared to death, but they just took all this time to hook you up cause you said you wanted to do it . . . so, even though you're really not ready, you have to say, "Yes." And I did, and I did better than all three of the guys! I even had a good landing. It was awesome.
So, this hill wasn't quite as tall, and the consequences weren't quite as scary, but, it's almost forty years later . . . so, I was still pretty scared. I can't remember if this was the time or not, but I ended up falling down. No harm done. I landed on my butt, and felt a muscle in my back pull. But, I managed to get up again without help. And back up the hill again.
Next time, we had to do something else, and since I had some forethought, I didn't go as high up the hill as everyone else (I'm not an idiot!), so, I'm on the closest to the downhill side. When the teacher said, "go on," nobody volunteered. So, my friend, Rosemary, says, "Jerri, it's up to you."
This is why I have I posted the picture at the top. It's me at about twenty-five with my pet boa constrictor. Why is it easier for me to consider holding a poisonous cobra than going down this little, chintzy hill? But, I did went down the hill again, and survived! I only fell once the whole morning. I never did feel in control though, and I like feeling in control . . . at least, of myself. So, the answer is, no, I will not be doing this again. It was a good experience, and I had been wanting to try it . . . but, no, not for me. Snowshoeing is more my style. Snowshoeing and holding cobras . . . you know, something safe.
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